Johnny's teacher asked the class how their weekends were.
"Horrible," said Johnny. "A car hit my cat in the ass!"
"Rectum," said the teacher. "Say rectum."
"Rectum? Damn near killed 'em!"
Red Ribbon Blue Ribbon
This lady goes to a vet and learns that that if you put a ribbon around a snoring dog''s penis he''ll roll over and stop snoring.
The next night her dog is snoring so she goes to the kitchen and gets a red ribbon and ties it around her dog''s penis. His snoring stopped.
Later on that night her husband is snoring and so she goes to the kitchen and gets a blue ribbon and ties it around her husband''s penis, and he stops snoring.
The next morning her husband wakes up and looks at his dog and looks down at himself.
"I don''t know what happened last night, but it appears we came in first and second."