The NEW Poopie List
Years of straining with poopie-ing, we can only count the number of Ghost poopies, Dangling poopies, and the beloved Surprised poopie that have passed though our sewers! But into a new era we go - and scientists have begun a new quest: find, contain, and label the newest addition to the infamous poopie list. Scientists, Chae B., and Brandon W., are publishing a book on the different types of poopies in order to let people become more in touch with their inner poopie. They have included the old but improved poopies, and recently classified additions to the poo family - all with bona fide scientific names!
GHOST POOPIE (ghostus poopius)
You strain and grunt for many minutes and swear you felt the poopie exited your rectum, but to your awful and painful surprise, there is no poopie in the toilet!
CLEAN POOPIE (cleanius poopius)
The poopie comes out, you see it in the toilet, and your butt feels as slippery as an eel, but there is no poopie streak on the toilet paper! Also see UPPER-CLASS POOPIE
WET POOPIE (drainiuges poopius)
Even after an excruciating 50 wipes of toilet paper and your butthole is feeling as raw as new skin, your butt still feels unclean. You end up becoming desperate and folding a piece of toilet paper into a T-shape and sticking on end inside your anus and the other two following the contour of your butt. You do this for a secure tamponish feel.
SECOND WAVE POOPIE (startulus secondus poopius)
One of the hated poopies; it occurs when you stand up after poopie-ing and begin to pull your pants up. You suddenly have to squeeze your butt checks together as you rip them down, slamming your butt against the seat (hurting it) and poopie-ing to the point of relief. Also see THIRD WAVE POOPIE
POP A VEIN IN YOUR FOREHEAD POOPIE (killus veinius poopius)
A dreadful poopie that is one of the leading causes of death in poopie-ing. Crapping can be dangerous! The poopie makes you strain so much, you practically have a stroke, and some people do!
LINCOLN LOG POOPIE (presidentis poopius)
The poopie is so huge, you're afraid to flush it without first chopping it up into smaller chunks. The leading cause of the presidentis poopius is not chewing your food well.
GASSY POOPIE (gassius poopius)
A dreadful poopie when attending a social or get-together; a very loud and excessive blurting sound is accompanied by a shear spills of liquid poopie.
CROP DUSTER POOPIE (cropius poopius)
Occurs when walking through a room filled with people and begins with long stream of gas and small poopie pellets.
DRINKER POOPIE (drunkius poopius)
A most noticeable poopie trait among the elderly and divorced people. Occurs after a long night of excessive drinking and doing shots. One of the more noticeable traits is the greenish-brown skid marks on the toilet bottom. Another trait is the occasional poopie on the floor when sight is disrupted and the poopier misses.
CORN POOPIE (cornius poopius)
The cornius poopius is one of the hardest poopies to poopie. During the procces of poopie-ing, the poopier feels a bit uncomfortable due to the following reasons: 1) The large bumps that accompany the poopie usually block rectum passage. 2) Sometimes the corn in the poopie with scrape off inside the poopier and clog the anus, causing great discomfort and an occasional doctor visit.
NUT POOPIE (nutius poopius)
One of the - if not THE most painful poopie in the whole history of poopi-ing occurs when one has too much fiber and/or does not chew food finely enough. It can cause rectum cuts and what we at the research center call 'Burn Trails.'
GEE I WISH I COULD POOPIE POOPIE (gee I wish I could poopius poopius)
A severe case among both the younger and older generation. It starts with mild cramping in the lower part of the abdomen and then worsens. Finally, when you get to a poopie disposal, also known as a toilet, you can't poopie! You just sit on the john and fart and maybe get out an occasional squirt or two, but sadly, no poopie.
SPINAL TAP POOPIE (screamus loudusly poopius)
A dangerous poopie! One that takes much effort, groaning, and gripping your knees to the point of pure pain. When it does finally come out, you wish it hadn't. It hurts so badly, you'd swear it came out sideways. And to prove it, you see if it is lying sideways in the toilet. Then you go get some witnesses, so that you'll have proof.
WET CHEEKS POOPIE (splashius assius poopius)
A poopie hated by elderly and fat people, because they can't reach far behind them to wipe them. A poopie so violent, that it splashes down and causes water to splash your butt and the small of your back and rarely, your legs! Have lots of toilet paper for this one people! Play it safe!
LIQUID POOPIE (waterius poopius)
A very quick poopie, but not the cleanest by far. It is characterized by green-yellow-brown liquid like poopie that shoots rapidly from your anus and goes everywhere.
UPPER-CLASS POOPIE (preppius poopius)
A very uncommon poopie that occurs after eating healthy foods and lots of nice water. It doesn't stink! WTF is that? A poopie that doesn't stink! Well, it should be in the protected ass group due to its near extinction and rare occurrences.
SURPRISE POOPIE (shitius on thyselfius poopius)
The most hated poopie of them all. You're not near the toilet, in a crown of people, or in a classroom and you think your just gonna sneak a little fart out but tagging along with that little fart is a little poopie!
THE DANGLING POOPIE (klingonius poopius)
Another hated poopie. This poopie loves to attach itself firmly to one side of your butt cheek and stay there. You try desperately to shake it off, but to no avail. This deadly poopie is also referred to as the dreaded Klingon!
MEXICAN POOPIUS (foreignius poopius)
A party poopie! This poopie explodes like a piñata and burns burns burns. It then continues to dribble and gurgle farts. It emits a vague picante aroma. A stimulating albeit mushy experience indeed!
SHOTGUN POOPIE (12-gaugius poopius)
A poopie that is thought to be a fart while on the toilet, but it explodes violently with a loud gunlike fart and at least 12 poopie pellets shoot out. Anything in the toilet is brutally mauled.
DEAD DROP POOPIE (zombies poopius)
The biggest poopies of them all! A poopie so huge, so enormously deadly, it takes at least a dozen flushes, some jabbing, and praying to get it down. Referred to as the big brother of the Lincoln Log Poopie.
LITTLE NOISY POOPIE (scardius likus hellius poopius)
A poopie that is the noisiest poopie in the entire history, bigger than the gassy poopie! Occurs after heavy drinking and bean eating. No solid poopie is emitted from the rectum, but spatters and small chucks are. The only time these are expelled is when a violent FART takes place. This poopie usually lasts up to 5 hours!
These are all the know poopies of man. Please look soon for the "Gauge Your Poopie Strength Test" and "The Advanced Poopie List."