How many men does it take to open a beer?
- None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
- Because a woman who can't afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
- It allows them to stand closer to the sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
- She starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
How do you fix a woman's watch?
- It doesn't matter. There is a clock on the oven.
Why do men break wind more than women?
- Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
- The dog. He'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
- A woman that won't do what she's told.
I married Miss Right.
- I just didn't know her first name was Always.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months!
- I don't like to interrupt her.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by up to 90%.
- It's called wedding cake.
Marriage is a three ring circus:
- Engagement ring, wedding ring, suffering.
My wife asked me "What's on the TV?"
- I said, "Dust!"
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman.
- Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
Why do men die before their wives?
- They want to.
A man inserted an advertisement in the classifieds section with the heading "Wife Wanted."
- The next day he received a hundred letters saying "You can have mine."